


the boy with the sad eyes

by fmylife42



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Depression, Friendship/Love, Lots and lots of pain, M/M, Pain, Post-Serum Steve Rogers, Pre-Serum Steve Rogers, Self-Harm, Torture, Winter Soldier Bucky Barnes, kids steve and bucky, plays out with the movies's plot, them too but mostly us, to us not to them
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-05-07
Updated: 2018-06-17
Packaged: 2019-05-03 17:58:51
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 13,203
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14574486
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fmylife42/pseuds/fmylife42
Summary: marvel might have done a great job of showing us how much Steve cares about Bucky, but they didn't really explain why.so here are a few one shots of steve and bucky through out their lifes that show what bucky really means to steve.BTW some parts are inspired by other works (fanfiction/fanart).





	1. Bucky

**Author's Note:**

> first one is just a one shot of how steve and bucky met. i honestly believe stucky would make the most belivable gay couple in the MCU, i love both of them so much. i really enjoyed writing this and i hope you enjoy reading it, tell me what you thought in the comments   
> BTW some parts are inspired by other works (fanfiction/fanart).

James was a good kid for the most part, he had two parents, they weren't rich but you couldn't really say they were poor either.

James was six years old. He was a friendly kid, he was nice to everyone, polite ( for a six years old), never looked for trouble, but most of all he was caring, he always made everyone around him happy.

One day James was walking home from school (which was close enough to his house so he was aloud to walk alone sometimes) when he saw a few kids cornering a little boy in the back ally. The boy was the sweetest boy James had ever laid eyes on, he had blond hair and sad blue eyes, the most beautiful eyes he had ever seen, he was small, much smaller then the other kids that were cornering him, he looked so scared.

The kids started hitting the boy, and then threw him into the trash can near them, closed it and left him there.

James couldn't believe what he had just saw, how could they be so cruel? He was just a sweet little boy.

After they all left James got closer to the ally, he felt like a coward, why didn't he come to help him earlier? Even after the kids left, the boy didn't come out. James didn't know why he cared about the boy so much that he decided to jump into the trash can after him, luckily for him, it was empty.

The boy was crying, his beautiful blue eyes and his red little cheeks were wet from tears, he seemed a little surprised when James fell in after him.

James didn't know what to say so he just went with a shy little "hey"

"hi" the little boy's voice was broken and quiet "what did you get thrown for?" the boy continued.

James just smiled at him and said "oh I didn't get thrown, I just wanted to join you"

And to that the boy smiled the most innocent and beautiful smile, James was happy he managed to get a smile out of him.  
"I'm Steve"

"James"

Steve looked at James up and down "you don't look like a James"

James smiled "do you have a better name?"

"I'll think of something"

They were both silent for a moment.

"so…" James began to say "why did you get thrown?"

The boy's eyes fell to the floor when suddenly remembered what happened "I may have tried to steal some bread…"

James raised his eyebrows in surprise, Steve seemed like the most innocent kid in the world, why would he steal? "why?"

"well umm… yesterday some scary man came to our house and kicked us out, my mom said we were going on a trip but I knew she was lying, she was sick, and she was hungry, but we didn't have enough money to buy food so…" 

Tears began to stream down the blond boy's face "I never wanted to steal… I just… I didn't know what else to do" 

James had no idea how something like this could happen, he's just a boy, he shouldn't have to steal food, he shouldn't have to live in the streets, he didn't deserve any of this. 

"wait so why were those kids chasing you?" 

"the Bakery's owner caught me so I panicked and started running and he told those kids to go after me"   
James took Steve's hand in his own without saying anything, he just wanted to make this kid feel better and he didn't know how.

"are you hungry?"

Steve didn't say anything, instead he just nodded his head as a yes. James let go of his hands and reached for his back bag and then handed Steve a cheese sandwich.

Steve stared at it and said "I don't want your food, it's yours." 

"I have plenty more of this at home, I wasn't going to eat it anyway"

Steve hesitated but eventually he took the sandwich and took a bite, for someone who hasn't eaten in two days, that sandwich was heaven. Steve smiled at James as he was eating and James smiled back, happy he could help him. 

"come on, let's get out of here, we need to go find your mom"

"we?" Steve asked with a mouth full of food.

"yes we" James smiled "you really think I'm going to let you go back to streets now? We're in this together, I'm with you till the end of the line"

-

They were lying in James's bed, under the covers, they were looking at each other smiling.

"I don't know how to thank you"

After thier meeting in the trash can James took Steve and his mother to his house, told his parents what happened and they agreed that both Steve and his mother are welcome to stay with them for as long as they liked. Steve and his mother weren't in love with the idea, they both always had a hard time asking for help, but they both knew they didn't have much choice. 

James's mother cooked them dinner, probably the biggest meal they had in their lives, and for the first time in years Steve went to bed with a full stomach.

"you thanked me enough, now go to sleep, I'll still be here when you wake up I promise"  
James gently caressed Steve's face

"what's your full name?" Steve asked

"James Buchanan Barnes, why?"

Steve laughed "Buchanan?" 

"I know it's a silly name" James laughed with him 

"no, It's not silly at all, I like it" Steve gave him an innocent smile "how about Bucky?"

"Bucky" James repeated him "I like it, Bucky it is"

They both laughed and smiled to each other "now sleep, you've been through enough for one day".


	2. I'm not a fag

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> steve is trying to deal with feeling he can't quite understand...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i said tomomrow so here it is, it's a sad one.

Steve and Bucky were inseparable since the day they met, they were always there for each other, Bucky was pretty popular, he had a lot of friends, but none of them meant as much to him as Steve did. Bucky was Steve's only friend, Steve had a hard time making friends at school, everyone started growing and he stayed the smallest, the other kids would pick on him and talk about him behind his back, push him in the hallway, still his back bag, call him names, but Bucky was always there, telling them to pick on someone their own size.

Bucky meant the world to Steve, but Steve was a fighter, he was used to fighting he would always get into fights over stupid things, Bucky always told him to stay out of it, keep a low profile, not to piss off the big kids, but Steve never listened.  
But still even with all their differences Steve and Bucky were as close as possible. Bucky was known only as Bucky, he hadn't heard the name James in years' he asked everyone in his life to call him Bucky claiming "that's what Steve calls me, so that's my name".

As they grew up, Steve started to develop feelings towards Bucky, feelings he couldn't really understand, he loved the way Bucky looked at him, he loved how Bucky was the only person who could get him to smile, the only person who believed in him, he loved the way Bucky made him feel, he loved him. 

Steve knew it was wrong, that's what everyone always said, Bucky was a boy, a boy can't love another boy, it's wrong, it's weird, who does that? what's wrong with me? Steve thought. 

The year was 1930, it was a warm spring day when Steve asked Bucky to meet him in the secret yard behind their school, they loved going there, to lie on the grass and look at the clouds, they found it a few years ago and kept it a secret ever since. 

When Bucky got there he smiled at him, Steve loved that smile, he could stare at that smile all day long.

"hey man" Bucky said when he got close enough.

"hi, how was your lesson? Was the first thing Steve managed to think about.

"boring, what did you want to talk to me about?"

Steve got nerves and completely forgot everything he was planning to say. Bucky must have noticed that because he got closer to him and places both of his hands on Steve's shoulders.

"hey, whatever it is, you have nothing to be nerves about, it's just me here."

God Steve loved him, he was standing so close, his eyes were so beautiful, he looked at with so much love and care, he couldn't believe how lucky he was to have Bucky in his life. 

Before either of them could realize what's happening' Steve locked his lips with Bucky's, the feel of Bucky's lips, the taste, Steve wanted that second to last forever, but that’s all it was, a second, before he was pushed to ground and hit his head on the grass. 

"WHAT THE HELL MAN?" Bucky shouted 

"WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?"

"I… I'm …" Steve tried to respond, still lying on the ground "I just thought you were…"

"I'M NOT LIKE YOU STEVE!" he stopped for a second "I'M NOT A FAG!"

Bucky turned his back on Steve and ran away. 

Steve stayed on the ground, unable to move, shocked by what had just happened, never in his life had Bucky talked to him this way, he was the only one who never called him names, never laid a hand on him. And now. Now he pushed him down and left him on the ground just like everyone else. Of course he did, why wouldn't he, that's what everyone else do, what made me think Bucky's gonna be any different, I'm so stupid, Steve thought, why am I so stupid? Why am I like this? Why am I so fucking STUPID?!

Steve got up and started running towards the trees, he ran as fast as he could, his eyes were filled with tears, Stupid! He kept thinking. Bucky's words kept running through his head 'IM NOT LIKE YOU!' 'IM NOT A FAG!'

'IM NOT A FAG!'

And as Bucky's words came to mind, he started remembering everything, every name they called, every time they pushed him, every time everyone looked down at him just like Bucky did.  
'fag!'  
'what happened little girl, you're gonna cry? Look everyone! The little homo's going to cry!'  
He kept running, he couldn't breath but he didn't care, he just kept running, until he hit his leg on a wooden block and fell on his face. 

His lungs were screaming in pain, he couldn't breathe, his face turned red and then a little blue, stupid asthma! Where's my stupid inhaler? Steve looked in his pockets, he left his back bag in the yard, shit! 

He got himself to sit while leaning on a tree, and tried to calm himself down, he couldn't think about anything calming so he started counting in a slow rhythm and tried his best to breathe at the same rhythm   
1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8-

It took a while but at some point, Steve managed to get himself to breath again, but the pain was still there and his head was hurting and his heart was aching and he just wanted everything to stop.

Stop being stupid, stop being different, stop! Just stop!

Steve got up and went home, his mother got a job and they had a place a their own, but she was supposed to be at work at that time, she was always at work, no one was there for him, not his mother, not Bucky not any one!

When he got home, he went to the bathroom and looked in the mirror, his shirt was dirty so he took it off, and then he just stood there, staring at his own reflection, looking at his body, 'pathetic' he said to himself 'stupid'  
'what the hell is wrong with you?'   
'why are you like this?"  
'why can't you be like everyone else?'  
'why can't you look like everyone else?  
'why can't you just be normal?!'

He took the glass that was on the sink and smashed it on the mirror. both the mirror and the glass shattered to pieces. Steve fell to his knees. He took a big piece of glass and used it to cut open the veins just underneath his palm as deep as he could. the pain was strong and sharp, but he didn't mind it, he was used to pain, he was used to blood, he watched the blood dripping on his arm and tried to open the cut even deeper, he then did the same thing to his other arm and held the glass in his hands and forced them into a fist as much as he could. 

At that moment Steve just started crying like crazy, just wishing for someone to come, for someone to notice, and every second that passed made him feel more and more alone and miserable.

His sight became dizzy and before he even noticed his head hit the floor, he was lying in a pool of his own blood and pieces of glass.

He closed his eyes wishing he would never have to open them again.


	3. promise me

Steve woke up to a white light, he was confused, his head hurt like crazy, he felt like he couldn't move. His eyes were half open half shut, he felt a warm weight on his hand and tried to move his fingers.

"Steve?" he heard Bucky's familiar voice, suddenly he saw Bucky's figure jumping in front of him. 

"buck…?" Steve tried to say his name but his voice was broken "where… where am… I…?"

"you're in the hospital" Bucky answered and touched his face to calm him down "Steve I'm… I'm so so sorry" there were tears in his eyes that began to stream down his cheeks.

"I didn't mean any of it, I just… I was shocked and I panicked!" he was sobbing "I came to look for you later and I found you on the floor with all that blood around and…"

Bucky couldn't finish his words, they got stuck in his throat, instead he bent down and hugged Steve as tightly as possible, and Steve hugged him back "I thought you were dead…" he cried out in Steve's arms "I thought you were dead because of me"

"it's okay" Steve whispered in his ear "I'm okay" 

"no you're not, you were in pain, you needed me and I wasn't there for you" 

Bucky finally let go of Steve and with his face still being red and wet from all the crying he took Steve's hand in his " Steve, I swear to god, from this day on I'm never gonna let me or anyone else ever make you feel this way again, I am never leaving you out of my sight. Okay?" 

"Bucky, will you please calm down I'm fine" Steve tried to relax him.

Bucky didn't buy it, he knew Steve wasn't okay, he knew a big part of it is because of him, and he also knew that he was going to do anything in his power to fix it.

"listen Steve… about that kiss.."

"can we just pretend it never happened?" he was cut off in the middle of the sentence.

"no, we can't, listen to me" Bucky got off of the bed and sat on the chair near it "Steve I love you, I love you more than anyone else in this world you have to know that, but… we can't do this, Steve, I think you are perfect just the way you are and that's enough for us, but, the world doesn't, they won't except this, it may not be wrong for us but it's wrong in the eyes of the law… I don't want us to go to jail…"

Steve knew he was right, but it didn't make it any less painful, his gaze fell to the floor.

"look Steve, whatever happens, I will always be there for you, in sun or rain, in sickness or in health, you can count on me to be there to save your ass" Bucky gave him a little smirk

"in sickness or in health? Are you proposing now?" Steve laughed and Bucky gave him a little smack on the shoulder in return but had the biggest smile on his face.

"promise you'll never hurt yourself like this again." Both of their smiles disappeared.

"Bucky I…"

"PROMISE ME! If you can't do it for yourself, do it for me" Bucky snapped at him. Steve was silent for a moment but then answered,  
"alright… I promise."

They smiled to each other and hugged.  
"good" Bucky said as he let go of him "now move your fat ass, make me some room I'm exhausted" 

Steve smiled and moved a little to let his friend join him under the covers, Bucky laid beside him and they were both lying on their sides facing each other. 

"you can sleep" Bucky whispered "I'll be right here when you wake up" 

And with that Steve closed his eyes and let himself be drifted into peaceful sleep.


	4. you're amazing

They were sixteen years old, the age of wisdom as you might say. 

Steve tried to feel better, he really did but it seemed like every day made him feel worse, his sad blue eyes grown sadder with every passing day, he kept getting into fights, kept hurting himself, drinking, smoking (which always ended badly, he was fucking asthmatic), but he kept his promise to Bucky, he stayed alive, he came to school whenever Bucky asked him to, but he didn't talk to any of the other kids, unless they were bulling someone and Steve stood up to them, which only led into more fighting, but Steve stopped running, he never ran, he got beat up again and again and again but he never ran, to the point people couldn't figure out if he was brave or just incredibly stupid.

And Bucky… Bucky made it his life mission to put a smile on his friend's sad face whenever he could, he stopped him from getting hurt whenever he managed, and sometimes got hurt with him, either way, he couldn't stop Steve from falling, he could only help him survive the fall. Steve never had any appetite and he was skinny as a stick, so Bucky kept shoving food in his mouth until Steve agreed to eat something. 

One night they were drinking and decided to go to their secret yard. In some kind of miracle they managed to drag their drunk asses through the streets of Brooklyn, when Steve saw a hot dog stand and drunkenly begged the cashier for a hot dog when Bucky pulled out a dollar and paid for two hot dogs.

When they got to the garden after they were done eating they both fell on the grass and looked up at the stars.

"you know" Steve began to say "I feel really bad that you always buy me food and I never pay you back"

"mmm… it's okay, one day you will"

"really? And when will that be?"

"when you make it big." 

Steve laughed, to him it sounded like a joke but Bucky was dead serious "yeah right"

"I mean it" Bucky rose using his elbows "Steve you are amazing, you're kind and smart and talented and kind and talented… and smart… and kind did I say kind already…?" Bucky got lost in his drunken train of thoughts "never mind, the thing is there's more to you than meets the eye and one day someone will see it, and you'll change the world"

"change the world…" Steve repeated his friend's words "with what? I don't have anything to offer"

Bucky leaned a little closer to him, slowly placed his finger on his heart and then whispered "with this" 

Steve smiled a little and turned his head away from Bucky as he blushed.

"I feel like the high is starting to wear off, I'm gonna roll a cigarette" he sat on the grass and began to roll the cigarette, when he was done Bucky lit it up and started smocking. Steve was staring at him, the way the smoke smoothly drifted out of his mouth.

Bucky smoked slowly, tried to enjoy every part of it when he noticed Steve's gaze.

"Have you ever tried passing the smoke?" Bucky asked

Steve frowned in confusion "no… what's that supposed to mean?"

"it's when someone inhales the smoke, and then exhales into someone else's mouth, here I'll show you, sit up."

Steve rose up to a sitting position "good, now close your eyes"

As he closed his eyes, Steve felt Bucky's hand on the side of his face and before he knew what was happening, Bucky's mouth was an inch away from his and smoke passed from Bucky's mouth to his, Steve tried to inhale the smoke into his lungs, but he wasn't sure he was capable anything at the moment, he opened his eyes and saw Bucky's face, an inch away from him.  
They were silent, neither of them moved, they just sat there staring at each other, until Bucky's lips turned into a smile "oh man" he said before falling on the ground "I'm fucking drunk"


	5. Don't lie to me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> this one's more about Steve's relationship with his mother with little hints for stucky.

Sarah Rogers has always been a good mother to Steve and loved him with all her heart, but just like her son, she tended to put herself in dangerous positions, always putting herself last, always in need for help but too proud to ask for it.

Steve always adored his mother, she was the one who taught him to never run, no matter how messy things might get, always stand up to the bullies, "they can take away everything from us" she said to him "but they can't take our pride" 

Steve carried his mother's words his entire life.

Steve and his mother were a team, Sarah felt as if her son was raising her as much as she was raising him, they had each other's back and worked together to resolve their problems. 

Steve got a job as the "news paper boy" Bucky helped him set that up, it wasn't a very glamorous job, but it was enough to help his mother pay the rent and feed them, so it had to do.

Sarah was grateful for Bucky, he was always there for Steve, no matter what. Steve was such a sad kid, he never shared his feeling with her and it was tough for her, but she knew he was always happier around Bucky, at least Steve was talking to someone, so if that was enough for Steve, that it had to be enough for her.

Sarah loved watching her boy growing up into a kind young man, but she always wanted more for him, and always hated herself for not being able to give him everything he deserved, still, if there's one thing she can say for herself its that her son's heart was the purest of them all, and no matter how much hate the world will throw at him, he will always return with nothing but kindness.

Steve was eighteen years old now, legally an adult, she knew he didn't need her anymore, in fact she was the one who needed him. 

Steve woke up in a hospital bed once again, only this time not because of his own actions. He remembered what happened, he remembered lying on the ally's floor, surrounded by his own blood, he remembered trying his best to get up, begging himself to get up but being unable to move, he remembered being thrown on the ground and taking in a fist after a fist, a kick after a kick without being able to respond, without being able to take in the pain before taking in more and more pain, and he remembered lying there, wishing no one will find him, because if someone finds him they're gonna take him to the hospital and they'll ask him questions, they'll ask him what happened, how it happened, but they can never know.

When he opened his eyes he looked up at the woman who raised him with tears in her eyes, she loved her boy more than anything in the world, but she could never understand him, she never understood why he kept getting hurt, never understood why he was so damn sad all the time, and all she wanted was for him to talk to her, to explain to her, so she can tell him that it's going to be okay.

Steve looked to the other side of the room where stood the boy… no, not a boy, a man, the man who looked after him his entire life, the man who had his back no matter what, the man who saved his life more times than he could count. He looked into Bucky's eyes, Bucky who knew exactly what's wrong with Steve but never knew how to fix it, and never knew what to tell the woman who raised him, why her son is so sad, Bucky who had to lie to his friend's mother and tell her again and again, that her son is okay, that he's a teenager and all teenagers are like that, that it's just a phase knowing it's not. 

"Steve…?" he heard his mother's voice, not wanting to look her in the eyes, not wanting to lie to her again "what happened to you?"

He forced himself to look at her, her eyes were wet from tears "what were you doing there?" her voice was so quiet and broken that Steve's heart was torn apart as he heard the words come out of her heart. He always felt like a burden to her, he always knew how much sadness he brought into her life.

"I…" he tried to think of an excuse "I just…" 

"DON'T LIE TO ME!" his mother snapped at him and immediately cover her mouth with her palm, feeling guilty for shouting at her little boy like that.

"you were going to lie to me like you always do" tears were streaming down her face, and she sat on his bed and took her son's hands in her own. 

"Steve… sweetheart I am begging you…" she used one of her hands to caress his cheek "talk to me… we can figure this out together, I can help you if you just talk to me"

Steve started crying "no you can't" he said choking on his tears "nobody can"

"why, Steve why? What's wrong? Talk to me" 

Steve was staring at her with tears in his eyes, trying to find the words, having no idea what to say "I am so sorry mom" he finally said and started crying even harder "I'm so sorry" he kept saying over and over again.

Sarah watched her son crying, begging her for forgiveness, having no idea what for, but her heart broke to a million pieces and she just wanted to make him feel better "it’s okay" she said caressing his face "it's okay" 

Steve looked over at Bucky, as if he had some kind of answer, as if he could swoop in and save him. Bucky came slightly closer and repeated Sarah's words "it's okay Steve" 

"I had to do it" Steve said still unable to take his eyes off of Bucky "I had to…" 

Bucky took another step closer and gave Steve his most Sympathetic look "I know… it's okay" 

"Steve…" Sarah whispered, begging her son would look at her 

 

He finally managed to turn his look to his mother "what were you doing in that side of the city?" she asked.

Steve knew it was time, he knew she deserved answers, but saying it aloud… admitting it to himself… that was something else.

"mom I tried… I really did, I tried to cut it out… tried to beat out, even tried to pray it away but it won't stop!" 

The realization hit her, she started crying again and nodded her head no, but she stayed silent and let her son continue "there was a guy there who… well…" he was so ashamed, he couldn't get the words out "mom please don't make me say it…"

She closed her eyes, and dropped her head down, still nodding no. 

"mom, I'm sorry, I know I'm not the son you wanted, I know you never wanted a stupid faggot for…." His words were cut off, when his mother wrapped her arms around him and held as tightly as she could, his ribs were broken and her tight hold on him hurt a little but he didn’t care, he didn't mind the pain.

He felt his mother's tears falling on his shoulders, he hugged her back, not wanting to let her go, not wanting to talk about it anymore, just to feel loved and cared for, just for a few more minutes. 

After what felt like eternity, they pulled away. Sarah looked him in the eyes and said "never say that terrible word, my son is perfect just the way he is" 

Steve never loved his mother more than he did in that moment, from that day on he begun to feel a little bit better, eating a little bit more, smiling a little bit more, stopped punishing himself for every time his eyes wondered the wrong way. 

And when his mother died Steve kept carrying her words with him. He used to go to her grave to sit there for hours just to talk to her, truly believing she was listening. 

And when she died Bucky knew he was the only family Steve had left, but before she died she asked Bucky to promise her that he'll look after her boy, and he did, and he kept his promise, he vowed to her that he'll stay by Steve's side for as long as he'll have him.


	6. she's kind of a bitch

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> fare worning, lots of homophbic content in this one.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i managed to post it today (yay me!) . hope you like it :)

As much as he loved Steve, Bucky still had a thing for women, he liked they way they looked, he liked their voice, liked their touch, but he never actually found himself falling for one.

every woman he had ever met wasn't enough, she wasn't Steve, she wasn't as kind as Steve, she wasn't as talented, wasn't as smart. He never had a relationship with a woman that lasted longer than a month.

When Bucky was 20 he dated this girl Katy. Katy was a beautiful brunet, she came from a rich family, never worked a day in her life, she wasn't the nicest person in the world, but in Bucky's defense she was ridiculously easy, getting that girl into your bed was like taking a candy from a baby. 

Katy met Steve a few times, she wasn't very fond of him, always gave him weird looks, but she didn't say anything to Bucky, and Steve never complained so it didn't come up as a problem.

Until one night, Steve was very sick, he has been sick for a while at that point, Bucky didn't leave his side all along. But on that night Katy wanted Bucky to come over and Steve said he should go.

It took a little while but Bucky agreed to spend the night at Katy's.

When he thought Katy was asleep, he got out of the bed and started getting dressed.

"where are you going?" he heard Katy's voice and turned around to meet her look.

"Steve is sick, I'm gonna go check on him"

Katy didn't seem to like the idea "so what you were going to just leave without saying anything?"

Bucky continued getting dressed ignoring her question "are serious?" 

"yes Katy, what do you want me to say?" Bucky said frustrated.

She was silent for a moment, not believing someone dared to reject her "if you leave this room right it's over between us"

Bucky just put on his jacket and casually said "fine" before leaving the room.

He barely made two steps out of the room before Katy came after him "you're such a jerk!" 

Bucky kept walking without looking back at her, "yeah well and you're kind of a bitch so I guess we're even" 

"you really don't want to go to him, I've seen the way he looks at you, I can't believe you're choosing that fag kid over me" Bucky froze in place "it's disgusting"

Bucky turned around and looked her dead in the eyes "what did you just call him?" he looked crazy, but Katy didn't seem to back off.

"a fag, Bucky, a dick sucking, disgusting fag!" 

Madness took over him, Bucky ran to her and threw her on the wall, holding her wrist as tight as possible.

"stop! Get away from me!"

Bucky ignored her "WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU JUST CALL HIM?!" he screamed at her.

At that point she was terrified, she had tears in her eyes "stop please! You're hurting me!"  
It took him a second, but he saw the fear in her eyes, he felt like a monster, he was losing his mind.

He let go of her wrist and slowly backed away "I'm sorry" he whispered, Katy was still shocked, she was breathing heavily, holding up her wrist in her other hand, looking at Bucky with so much fear in her eyes. 

"I'm so sorry" he whispered again and ran outside leaving Katy alone. 

Once he stepped outside to the cold night and the door closed behind him, Bucky took a deep breath to calm himself down and started walking towards Steve's place.

When he got inside using his spare keys he heard Steve coughing and went to his bedroom. Steve's eyes were closed and Bucky didn't say a word, it took a few minutes for Steve to notice his presence.

"hi" Steve said as he opened his eyes "how did your date go?" 

"it was fine" Bucky answered as he sat beside Steve on he bed "I don't think it's going to work out with Katy" 

"I'm sorry" Steve tried to comfort him 

"don't be, she was kind of a bitch" 

Steve didn't say anything but raised his eyebrows in agreement.

"I'm so tired of girls" 

"yeah they're the worst" Steve said sarcastically before he started coughing like crazy.

Bucky immediately jumped from the bed and brought Steve a glass of water, he helped him sit up and handed him the glass. It took a little while but at some point Steve calmed down and leaned back.  
"I'm sorry I left you alone" Bucky said after a few moments of silence.

"it's okay" Steve whispered.

"no, it's not! You're sick, you shouldn't be alone, if something would have happened to you while I was gone…" 

Steve cut him off when he placed his hand on Bucky's, and just looked at him with a small sad smile. 

"you look exhausted" Steve said to break the silence.

Bucky simply nodded and laid down on the other side of the bed with his front facing, Steve's back. 

When the lights went off, Bucky's eyes were Still open, he kept staring at Steve's back in the dark, just to make sure he's not cold, that he doesn't have a bad dream or something or…

"Bucky I can feel you worrying, just go to sleep already" Bucky smiled, thinking his friend knows him too well, and then finally closed his eyes and got a little closer to Steve, just in case.


	7. steve...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oh my god i am so so sorry it took me so long to post this, it's been such a mess lately and this chapter was so anoying to write literally had to watch this scene like a thousened times.  
> but finally it's done so enjoy.

Bucky was a soldier now, he was much taller than Steve, much more masculine, had girls around him all the time, but he still kept his word, he never left Steve's side.

Steve on the other hand was a bit frustrated with himself, he never had much interest in attention, he didn't need a masculine body or girls around him all the time, but he did want to do the right thing, as always, but nobody let him, nobody looked at him.

Bucky knew how hard it was for Steve, he really did, but he also knew the army was no place for a skinny, asthmatic kid. 

Steve wasn't a kid, he never was, he was smarter and stronger than his looks led people to believe, but nobody wanted to waste their time on him, nobody wanted to be the guy who sent the skinny kid to fight a war.

So, when Dr. Erskine gave him a shot, Steve was grateful, he didn't care what the world thought of him, he only needed someone to see pass his physical appearance. from that point on proving his true strength was up to him.

Peggy was by far the nicest woman Steve had met his entire life, he liked her, she never looked down at him, she appreciated what he did have and didn't focus on what he didn't have, and since Bucky wasn't around, Peggy served him a great deal of comfort.

When he was chosen to take part in the super soldier experiment, he didn't even give it a second thought, for the first time in his life someone actually needed him, the country needed him.

Being in this new body was strange for him, he didn't have much time to adapt to it, he didn't know how to move so much weight, had a hard time balancing himself, he never thought about avoiding small places or low ceilings, never had to be gentle when opening doors or tapping the table he kept falling and running into things, but with time he got used to it.

Even though wearing tights and dance on stages wasn't really his idea of serving the country, he was patient, he wanted to believe that at some point, someone will need him again.

He missed Bucky and Peggy and Erskine… and his mom… it seemed like everyone who has ever believed in him was taken away from him, he needed to believe all by himself, which wasn't an easy task. He didn't dig the whole "captain America" thing, he felt like a liar, pretending to be a hero on stage when the real heroes were fighting on the battlefields.

Bucky missed Steve as well, he was a good soldier, followed orders, fought his best, but it seemed that in almost every situation he has ever faced he just kept asking himself 'what would Steve do?' he would have made a great soldier, the best soldier, a real leader, he always had his way with words, always knew what to say, always seemed to find a solution, and most of all, he never gave up, never ran away, in compresent to him the rest of the army looked like a bunch of cowards.

One day Bucky and his unite were on mission, when they were attacked, nobody could have seen it coming, they got hit, hard, Bucky told the others to take cover and tried to give them time to escape, a few of them did. A lot of them died, and Bucky and his toon were captured. 

Bucky was scared, but he was far too smart to show it, he knew Steve wouldn't, god he missed Steve, at that moment he just wanted to see him one last time, he deserved a proper goodbye, a longer hug, he should have stayed with Steve that night, not to spend his last night with those girls. 

'Guilt won't help us now' Bucky said to himself. They locked them in small round cages, like they were animals. Every once in a while, came some Nazi soldier, took one of them with him, and they never returned, so Bucky wasn't so frilled when the Nazi solider opened their cell and asked him to come with him.

Bucky tried to escape, tried to fight, but it was no use. they took him into a weird, scary room, full of scary people who made him lie down on a scary bed. He was scared, he kept thinking 'what Steve would have done?' suddenly he felt a strong pain in the back of his scalp, the strongest pain he had ever experienced. Suddenly every thought that that went through his head became blurt, he couldn't think he couldn't remember anything, for a moment he forgot where he was, but slowly his mind turned back to normal and he could think straight again, just in time to feel the pain running through his body, he didn't know what happened, he didn't know what they were doing to him, in that moment all he could feel was pain.

Then he heard an alarm, and he saw the lights turning red. All the scary people around him dropped everything they held and left the room running, left him there alone. He was confused and scared, his thoughts were blurt, his memories were blurt, he didn't know where he was, didn't know what was happening, didn't know what to do, so he went over the things he did know, "my name is… Ja… Bu… my name… sergeant…" a few words were running through his head, he didn't know which one was his name, he remembered a number "3…2…5…5…7…"

He remembered a voice, a face, he remembered a little boy with sad eyes, he couldn't remember the boy's name. everything was blurted and confusing, the whole room was spinning around him, he didn't even notice a man untying the ropes around him.

The man was tall and big, but something about him felt familiar "who's that?" Bucky asked not really sure if he was talking aloud.

"it's me, it’s Steve" he heard the familiar voice, and at that moment all the memories began to come together, suddenly the boy with the sad eyes had a name "Steve…" he said smiling "Steve…".

Steve helped him get up, Bucky managed to stand up, leaning on him to balance himself, but he noticed something strange, the Steve he remembered was a boy, but… the Steve standing in front of him… that was a man, for a second Bucky thought it was someone else, but then he got a good look of his eyes, no other person on earth has these sad blue eyes.

"I thought you were dead" the man with the sad eyes said. Bucky was still confused, he wasn't sure if his memories were fooling him or maybe Steve decided to finally hit puberty.

"thought you were smaller" Bucky looked at him up and down, the man was smiling at him an innocent smile, like the little boy in his memories smiled at him. 

Steve had thought his Bucky was dead, he thought he had lost him, when he found him alive he finally let out a breath he didn't know he was holding. His thoughts were cut off by the sound of bombs going off outside.

"come on" Bucky heard his friend's voice. Steve held him with one hand holding his waist and the other holding his left arm. Bucky threw his arm around Steve's shoulders and let him carry him out of the room.

"what happened to you?" Bucky tried to figure out, but Steve only answered with "I joined the army" 

When Bucky felt his senses coming back to him he let go of his friend and Steve slowly helped him balance on his own "did it hurt?" he asked as he managed to walk by himself.

"a little" Steve answered, he was clearly on a rush and tried to walk as fast as he could but still wanted to stay close to Bucky.

"is it permanent?" Bucky was still trying to gather himself, trying to catch up with Steve and not to drag behind him.

"so far" Steve said looking back to give him a little smile.

They kept looking for an exit when they got to some weird bridge and everything started blowing up underneath them, they were thrown back by the explosions and kept running to the upper floor.

"captain America! How exciting" they heard a voice coming from the other side of the room and looked up to see a tall man dressed in a long black coat, standing next to one of the scientists who Bucky recognized from earlier.

"I am a great fan of your films" the man went on.

Bucky was confused and didn't understand why he called Steve 'captain America', or what he meant by 'films' but Steve seemed to know exactly who the man was. 

Bucky watched his friend walking fearlessly towards the man as he kept on talking. Bucky couldn't believe it when Steve punched the man in the face and seemed to actually hurt him for a change, but then the man hit back and Steve fell on his back before kicking the man's stomach which threw him to the other side of the bridge.

Bucky was grateful when the scientist divided the bridge and pulled them apart, happy to have Steve by his side again. And when the man took his mask off and exposed his red and burned skin, Bucky truly freaked out.

"you don't have one of those, do you?" Bucky asked honestly, afraid to hear the answer and decided to take Steve's silence as a good sign.

The man kept on talking, Bucky couldn't fully understand what he meant, but it all sounded like a whole lot of bullshit.

"then how come you're running" he heard Steve shouting at the man as he and the scientist disappeared behind the elevator's doors.

Another bomb went off, the entire building was on flamed, they really needed to get out of there. 

They kept running upstairs when they saw a metal column that led from one edge of the room to the other it didn't seem very stable, but it's not like they had much choice. 

"one at a time" Steve claimed 

Bucky went first, the column started to shake a little bit but Bucky managed to balance himself, he knew he was like 50 feet from the floor, and that everything underneath him was on flames, it wouldn't be an easy fall.

Steve was watching his friend's every step, terrified every time Bucky seems to start losing balance and a specially when the column literately broke down and fell, but some how Bucky managed to jump and get to the other side in the last second.  
Steve looked around, tried to find another way to reach the other side.

"there's got to be a rope or something" Bucky shouted to his friend 

"just go, get out of here"

"NO, NOT WITHOUT YOU!" Bucky snapped, they both knew there was no way in hell, Bucky was going to just leave Steve behind, it was either both of them leave safely or both of them stay behind.

So when Bucky saw Steve bending the metal fence his heart began racing in his chest.

Steve took a few steps backwards, ran straight up and jumped. He almost didn't make it, but his hand managed to get a grip on the fence on the other side and Bucky instantly jumped forward to help him. 

"holly shit! you're fucking crazy!" Bucky held both sides of Steve's face when he finally managed to stand on his legs on the other side. Steve laughed as a response but another bomb went off and brought them back into reality. 

"come on, let's get out of here"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> well this one was a little boring i know, for some reason i thought this chapter was necesery, just wanted to explore this part of the movie a little more.  
> really excited about next chapter tho! can't wait to post it and hear what you guys think, so stay tuned. and again thank you so so much for your support and paitence, every new reader, comment, kudos truly mean the world to me :)


	8. hang on

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay, here it is, this is my favorite chapter so far, and im pretty sure it's the longest. but i had a lot of fun writing this and i hope you'll like it :)

Bucky needed some time to get used to the new Steve, he was still the same little boy Bucky knew and loved at heart, but he was no longer a boy and defiantly not little. 

Watching Steve fight wasn't a new sight, watching Steve actually winning the fight was a different matter, Steve no longer needed Bucky's help or protection, everyone looked up at him and respected him, which was another thing only Bucky could offer Steve in the past, but for now all Bucky had to offer was his friendship and loyalty, and Bucky wasn't sure it was enough.

Peggy was a nice girl, a lady, she was a nice change from all the other girls Bucky had surrounded himself with in the past, she was strong, stubborn, fearless and a solider, no wonder Steve preferred her over him, she had more to offer.

Peggy's name seemed to come up very often, Steve was talking on and on about her, 'Peggy did this… Peggy said that…' and Bucky had enough with it. 

And the part that really stung was the compass, more specifically, the picture inside, Steve carried Peggy's picture with him wherever he went.

Bucky knew he had no right to be jealous, he was the one who told Steve he should try to look at a girl every once in a while, and it's not like Bucky was very secretive about his relationships with girls, but still he couldn't stop his heart from breaking a little bit whenever, Peggy was standing a little too close to his friend, every time his Steve looked at her with same loving look that was preserved to him and him alone.

Steve was alone in his tent, he was going over his map and tried to figure out a way to sneak into a hydra base without getting caught. 

Bucky came in and watched his friend being all 'big bad solider' like he always dreamed to be. He was beautiful, he was wearing only his army pants and a tank top. 

Steve was completely lost in his thoughts and it took him a few moments to acknowledge Bucky's presence.

"oh hi" Steve looked up at his friend 

"hi, the guys are at the bar, they asked me to call you, are you still working?"

"umm yeah actually, I am, maybe next time" Steve said and brought his attention back to the map.

"Steve…" Bucky began to say as he came closer "you need to take a break" 

"not right now, we're in the middle of a war"

Bucky knew it was no use, Steve was a stubborn son of a bitch, he always has been.

"well then 'captain America' what's is so important that the star spangles man with a plan has to do instead of drinking with his friends"

Bucky liked to tease Steve about his nickname, Steve always pretended to be annoyed but he secretly kinda liked being Captain America, the named suited him, he finally felt like he was making a deference.

"come see for yourself" Steve ignored the teasing. Bucky came to stand next to Steve so he could see the map he was looking at. 

"this hydra base is in the open field, which means there are no trees, no building, no hiding, they will see us coming from miles away, we're gonna have to go in with a small group, and take over one of the vehicles like I did when I sneaked into the base where you and your unit were kept"

"yeah about that, I don't think I ever thanked you for that" Bucky looked at Steve with a sincere smile, and Steve as always had to be his humble, stupid self and brush it away.

"I think I got more than enough thank yous, and besides, I didn't do anything you wouldn't do for me"

"you bet your ass I would" Bucky said with the most gentle and honest voice Steve has ever heard "I would do anything for you" 

There was silence for a moment when Their eyes met, both of their eyes were wide open and neither of them could look away, their faces were inches away, they breathed the same air, without even noticing Bucky leaned in, and before either of them could realize what was happening, their lips met.

It started gentle, closed mouthed, Bucky's hand was grapping Steve neck and the other on his hip, he was holding Steve close, for dear life, as close as possible, as if he was afraid Steve will get away the moment he'll let go. 

Steve's hand was on Bucky's shoulder gently caressing his biceps and the other in Bucky's hair. It felt so natural, like they've been doing this since forever.

Bucky began to deepen the kiss letting their faces come a little closer, their mouths open a little wider, as if it was a force of hobbit, Bucky's hand slid down Steve's stomach and got under his tank top to feel his abs, god he was beautiful.

Steve grabbed Bucky's shirt from both sides and helped him strip out of it. 

When he was shirtless, Bucky brought his hands around Steve's lower back and pulled him even closer so their crouches rubbed as their hips moved.

Bucky let go of Steve lips to let him breath and began kissing down his neck and jaw.

"Bucky…" Steve moaned "Bucky stop…"

He didn't listen, Bucky was too busy nibbling on Steve neck, that he could barely hear Steve's words.

"I SAID STOP" Steve finally snapped and shoved Bucky away from him, a little stronger than he intended. 

"I… I…I'm sorry" Steve whispered as he realized what he just had done. 

"I just…"

Bucky could barley look his friend in the eyes feeling ashamed "don't be…" he tried to clear the air.

"you… you were the one who said this cannot happen… you said I should find a nice girl…"

"I know Steve I…" Bucky tried to explain himself but Steve went on 

"and I did, I did just as you said I… I found a nice girl I… I got what I wanted and you just come in here and…" Steve was walking around in the tent, trying to get away from Bucky.

"Steve it’s not a big deal…"

"YES, IT IS A BIG DEAL… you're… YOU'RE CONFUSING ME!"

They were silent, neither of them could think of anything they could say to make the situation any better.

"just…" Steve didn't finish the sentence, he just turned around and walked out of the tent.

"Steve…" Bucky tried to stop him but it was no use. He felt so stupid, he let jealousy do the thinking for him, for the first time in his life Steve was actually making progress, and he just had to come in and mess it up, it wasn't fair. 

-

After the "incidence" both Steve and Bucky needed some space to think.   
Bucky wasn't proud, he hurt Steve again, like he promised he would never do, but still… he couldn't regret it, he knew it was right, he knew his lips belonged to Steve and Steve alone, but it doesn't matter, it doesn't matter what they want, it doesn't matter how good it feels, it's wrong! It's unnatural…. It’s… god it's frustrating… knowing the one thing you want the most is the one thing you can never have, knowing that this friendship thing will never be enough, but… what can he possibly do? 

Forget about it, deny it ignore it, pretend as if nothing never happened and nothing will never happen because it can't happen, it just can't. 

Bucky caught Steve when he was walking in the base a few hours before they were supposed to go on a mission.

"Steve!" Bucky called up to him as he approached his friend "Steve listen… about that kiss I just want you to know…"

"forget it." Steve cut him off without making eye contact.

"but…" 

"please just pretend it never happened, we're in the middle of a war with crazy scientist and weird cubes, and there's more then enough confusion going around, I don't need more of it from you, I just need my friend." Steve stopped walking to look his friend in the eyes. 

"you're right, I'm sorry, I could use a friend too" Bucky gave Steve a shy smile and Steve smiled back at him.

"come on" Steve wrapped his arm around Bucky's shoulders "those Nazis won't kill themselves " 

-

"remember when I made you ride the Cyclone in Cony island?" 

"yeah, and I threw up?"

"this isn't pay back is it?"

"now will I do that" Steve gave him an evil smile. 

They were after Arnim Zola, who was the doctor Bucky met when he was taken by Hydra, he was on a train, they didn't know where the train was heading nor they cared, they just wanted Zola. 

The train was fast and they had to use a zip line (Steve 's idea) to jump on a moving train in the snow. Great. Only three of them could go, so Steve and Bucky had to go. 

When them got inside the train they started going forwards slowly with Bucky's gun and Steve's shield held in front of them but when Steve made a few steps into the other room, the doors closed, separated them, and a hydra agent walked into each room and started shooting. 

Steve managed to knock down the agent in his room, open the door and help Bucky take down the agent that was shooting at him.

"I had him on the ropes" Bucky tried to protect his honor.

"I know you did" 

The agent with the big guns caught them by surprise and Steve only had a second to jump in front of Bucky with his shield before the hydra agent shot. 

The blast was too strong, it threw both of them away and made a huge hall in the wall.   
Steve was thrown to the other side of the room, but Bucky was right in front of the man, he took the shield and tried to protect himself, but the second shot was just as strong and threw him outside of the train. 

Steve didn't think twice before lifting the shield and throwing it on the man. 

"Bucky" he called out to his friend who was barely hanging on the handle on the side of the wall "hang on" he said as he tried to reach him.

The handle Bucky was hanging on wasn't stable it was a second from breaking, and Steve was so close, he could reach him, only a few more inches he could reach him. 

"grab my hand!" I can reach him, he'll be fine, he'll be Safe if I just reach him, Steve kept thinking.

But he didn't.

He couldn't reach him, he couldn't save him.

"no!" he called out, while watching him fall into the snow, hearing him scream all the way down, and all he could do in that moment was to watch.

He didn't reach him, he didn't save him, he should have done more. 

The tears began to stream down his face, he couldn't move, he couldn't think, well he couldn't think of anything other than 'I didn't reach him'.

He stayed glued to side of the train, didn't move, didn't breathe, tears wetting his cheeks, burying his face in the wall.

He just stood there, he didn't know for how long until he felt the train slowing down and stopping.

He let go of the handle and stood on the ground, his eyes still open wide as his mouth, his look still glued to the floor. 

"what happened?" he heard a voice "where's Barnes?" 

When he heard the word 'Barnes' his heart broke down to a million pieces. He looked up at the man with tears in the eyes, looking like he was about to fall on the floor and start crying. He didn't say a word, but the man seemed to understand his look.

"omg…" 

Steve walked pass him "Steve are you okay?"

He ignored the question, it was a stupid question anyway, of course he wasn't okay, he'll never be okay, not without… 

He didn't want his men to see him like this. He started running, as far away as he could, praying to gad nobody will try to follow, no that they could catch up with him if they did.

He ran and ran and ran and felt the tears in his eyes flying in the wind, he felt miserable. He fell on his knees and just screamed, like crazy, like his life depended on it, and kept screaming, until the scream turned into a sob.

His head and hands dropped into the snow, and he started crying. Not a manly cry, a real fucking cry, but you know what? He didn't care. He lost Bucky. He lost his best friend, he lost the one person who was there for him no matter what, lost the one person who ever believed in him, the one person who stood up for him, the one person who followed him before anyone else did. 

But more than that, he lost the man he loved, loved with every inch of his body, loved more than he thought was possible, loved every smile, every laugh, every time he followed Steve knowing he it will get him in trouble, loved how calm he looked when he was sleeping, loved his voice, loved his touch… and yet… he couldn't reach him… 

And now he's gone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you so much for reading this. please please please leave a kudos and let me now what you thought, every comment is welcomed <3


	9. pain

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this one is so damn painfull i literally called it 'pain'.  
> enjoy :)

The room was dark, his entire body was numb, all he could see was fleshes of light, or figures of people he didn’t recognize. he tried talk to ask where he was, he tried to move, nothing, it was like he was paralyzed. 

After a few moments he began to feel something, he didn't recognize the feeling at first but then he realizes it was pain, sharp pain in the ears and the back of his scalp. The pain went through his body, he could feel it in every bone, all he knew at that moment was pain.

A few moments had passed and in a second the pain stopped and was replaced by fear and confusion. he was so scared and he couldn't figure out why because the situation didn't seem to frighten him a minute ago. And the thing is, he wasn't afraid of it, he was afraid of his memories, every pain, every fear he has ever experienced passed through his brain in an instance, he panicked, he just wanted the memories to go away, he just wanted to forget, so he did. The memories were gone, and he was left with confusion alone.

He was waiting for something to happen or someone to come but he wasn't sure what or who. He saw a figure which seemed familiar, but didn't have a name to match it, he couldn't think of any names.

As time passed he felt more aware of his body, he could feel his muscles aching, his heart beating in his chest, his head screaming in pain, but he noticed something weird, his left arm didn't feel right. 

He used the little strength he had to lift his arm, and slowly his sight got back, the first thing he saw was the cold, metal arm attached to his body, it was strong, he felt it. The second thing he saw was the man right next to him that was trying to say something he couldn't hear. The man seemed frightening, so he went with instinct and used the strong metal arm to wrap his hand around the man's throat and close his fist around it. It didn't last for long, the familiar figure came closer to him and put a needle in the side of his neck, and room went black again before he could even feel the pain. 

-

He woke up again in a cold, dark cell alone. He was lying on the cold floor and tried to lift himself, his sight was fine and his body was still weak but no longer numb. He managed to lift himself to his elbows and felt a sharp pain in the ears. He reached for his ear and saw it was bleeding, he looked down at the floor and saw a pool of blood where his head just rested. 

He crawled to the wall and leaned on it so could sit up. Only then he got a good look at his arm. He wasn't sure if the fleshes from before were real or a dream, but as he looked down at the cold, strong metal arm, he knew it was real.

But he also couldn't remember anything before the fleshes, or maybe he could but it was faded. 

He couldn't remember any names, any faces, any feelings, any voices. At that moment it hit him, he couldn't remember his own name. 

"hello?" was the only idea he had, he needed answers, but there was no response, only silence.

"hello?" he tried again.

"where am I? what is this place?" his voice was weak, even if someone was around he doubted anyone heard him.

"was this your first time?" 

He heard a manly voice but didn't see anyone.

"who said that?" he looked around looking for the man behind the voice.

"air vent" the voice said.

He looked down to where the voice came from and saw a small air vent on the right wall right above the floor.

"I'm in the cell next to yours" the voice went on "don't worry the memories will come back slowly, just focus" 

"who are you?" he asked the voice.

"to be honest… I don't know… do you know who you are?" 

He didn't answer right away, he tried to remember, something, anything about himself but he couldn’t. 

"no… for how long have you been here?"

"no clue, maybe a few months, or a few years… I really don't know"

He was silent for a moment and tried to think of a question the voice could maybe know the answer to. 

"do you know for how long have I been here?" he asked a little hesitating.

"not that long, I heard you screaming a few days ago I think… there isn't much sun light in here… but then you stopped screaming, I thought you died… well I hoped…"

"why…?" 

He heard the voice taking a deep breath before answering "death would be a much more pleasant fate"

He didn't respond. For some reason he didn't manage to feel fear. He rested his head on the floor, closed his eyes, and tried to get the pictures in his head a little clearer. 

The first picture that he cleared out were two sad blue eyes, they were beautiful, he instantly fell for those eyes even though he couldn't see the rest of the figure, the eyes alone were enough to make him fall in love. 

"Steve…" he smiled.

"who's Steve?" the voice snapped him out of his thoughts.

"what?" he lifted himself again in confusion.

"you just said Steve" the voice explained.

"I did?"

"yeah"

He was confused. 

"did you remember something?" 

He took a minute to gather his thoughts before answering "I just saw eyes, two beautiful blue, sad eyes" 

"well I guess that's your Steve" the voice responded.

The image of the sad, blue eyes was stuck in his brain he couldn't think of anything other than that. 

"looks like an angel" he whispered and smiled to himself "do you think I'll ever get to see him? do you think he's coming?" he asked the voice.

"I hope" 

He smiled at the voice's response. He kept lying on the floor, smiling to himself and picturing the eyes. The more he focused on the picture in his head, the clearer it got. All of a sudden, he could see a smile, a blond golden hair, he could hear a voice, could imagine the touch. He went on and on until he managed to see the full picture of the skinny kid with the blond hair and the sad blue eyes.

He heard the voice say a few words, but one of those words sounded familiar, it sounded as if the boy was calling him. 

"Bucky!" he jumped to a sitting position. 

"what did you say?" the voice asked.

"Bucky! That's my name! my name is Bucky" he a had a huge smile. 

"way you go pal!" 

It took time but the memories began to slip back into his mind one right after the other. The more he thought about Steve, the more hope he had, the more he believed Steve was coming to save him, he knew Steve would never leave him behind. 

One day, five men came to his cell and opened the door. Bucky tried get away but it was no use, they held him strong, stuck a needle in his neck, and the room went black again. 

-

He woke up again confused and scared.

"hey, are you okay?" he heard a manly voice. 

"what? Who…? Who said that?" he looked around and looked for the man behind the voice.

"air vent" 

This time it took longer for him to regain the memories, but with the help of the voice he remembered the name Steve.  
He found a little nail inside the air vent and managed reach it. He used the nail to curve the word 'Steve' on the wall. 

And then again, he was taken away, he saw fleshes and woke up in an empty cell, scared and confuse. Every time it took him longer to remember, but he kept curving the word Steve on the wall again and again and again. 

Until one day he was curving the word 'Steve' and didn't notice the five men behind him.

"what are you doing?" one of the men said. 

He was taken by surprise, and immediately turned around and held the nail behind his back. 

"nothing…" 

One of the men came closer to him, he wasn't bigger then him but he looked scary, he looked like a bully. 

The bully touched the wall where the word 'Steve' was curved and laughed

"what’s so funny?" he asked Annoyed 

"you still have hope, don't you?" the bully's voice was scary. He felt the sweat on his body and tried not to show how scared he was at the moment.

The bully looked down at the hand he was holding behind his back that was closed in a fist and reached for it. 

He couldn't let him take it, he used his metal arm and tried to shove the bully away, but the rest of the men ran to him and held him from each side so he couldn't move. 

"no. stop!" he screamed at the bully as he opened his fist and took the nail from him. 

As the bully took the nail away the men let go of him. He tried to reach to the bully with his right human arm, the bully grabbed his wrist, put his human hand on the wall and shoved the nail into the wall through his hand all the way in. 

He screamed in misery. The pain was strong, he couldn't move his hand, he saw the blood dripping down the wall. 

He screamed so hard until the scream turned into a sob. He tried to fall on his knees but he had to remain standing since his hand was attached to the wall. 

"keep holding to hope kid, you're gonna need it" the bully whispered in his ear and walked out with the rest of the men. 

"please…" he cried out "somebody please… somebody help me…"

He stood there for so long, his legs were weak, his hand was numb by now, he was out of tears at that point, his head was dropped on the wall and his eyes were shut. 

"he's not coming, is he?" he asked with a weak broken voice. 

"no, he's not" the voice simply answered. 

He opened his eyes and looked up at his hand, he used the metal hand to grab the edge of the nail and pull it out. He screamed in pain as he pulled the nail. There was still a hall in his hand after.

He fell on the floor, looked down at his hands and at that moment he realized, he was done fighting, he was done waiting for help, nobody's coming.

-  
One day a few men to came to his cell, but this time, there was no needle, he went with them willingly.

As they took him to the hall he looked around for the voice but there were no other cells around.  
"where is he?" he asked the men who were leading him in the hallway.

"where's who?" one of them asked

"the voice from the air vent" 

The men gave each other confused looks and one of them responded "there are no other prisoners here" 

He was confused, who was he talking to? Who was the voice, what if there was no man? What if it was just a voice?

They sat him down on a chair.

the pain was sharp, he recognized the pain. Pain was the one thing he managed to remember. 

"longing"

"rusted"

"seventeen"

"day break"

"furnace"

"nine"

"bening"

"homecoming"

"one"

"Freight"

There was a woman in front of him she was on her knees, she seemed young, she was crying, he wasn't sure what that meant.

"shoot her" the man said. 

He looked at the gun in his hand and aimed it at the woman. 

She looked in his eyes, she had blue eyes, they were wet from tears, they were so sad, so innocent. 

"please…" the woman begged.

"please… don't…" 

The gun was aimed to her head. His finger was already on the trigger. He didn't know why, but he just couldn't pull the trigger… she was innocent… 

His hand was shaking. 

 

"shoot her!"

He kept staring into the woman's eyes, he didn't know why, but he just couldn't do it.

"no" he said as he threw the gun on the floor. 

The woman sighed in relief, but the man next to him seemed angry. 

"why not?" he asked.

He took a moment to think of an answer "she's innocent…"

"put him back in the blender" the man said.

He knew what it meant, he knew he must have done something wrong, and now he's being punished for it. 

The pain was sharp, he recognized the pain. Pain was the one thing he managed to remember. 

"longing"

"rusted"

"seventeen"

"day break"

"furnace"

"nine"

"bening"

"homecoming"

"one"

"Freight"

There was a woman in front of him she was on her knees, she seemed young, she was crying, he wasn't sure what that meant.

He looked in her eyes, they were wet from tears. In her eyes he recognized something. Pain. He knew pain. It was the only thing he seemed to remember.

"shoot her"

He aimed the gun in his hand to her head. His finger was on the trigger. But for some reason he just couldn't pull the trigger. 

"no" he said as he threw the gun on the floor.

"why?" the man asked.

He took a moment to think of an answer "she's in pain"

The man sighed in frustration and yelled "again!" 

The pain was sharp, but it was fine, he couldn't feel it anyway. 

"longing"

"rusted"

"seventeen"

"day break"

"furnace"

"nine"

"bening"

"homecoming"

"one"

"Freight"

There was a woman in front of him, she was on her knees. 

"shoot her" 

He looked at the woman's eyes… 

and saw nothing.

He aimed the gun to her head

And pulled the trigger.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this one was a little diffrent, let me know what you thought. and again thank you so so much for reading my works <3


	10. Natalia

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so... wow, it's been a while, I'm sorry, this is not really stucky it's just about how Natasha and Bucky met, I would really love to see more of them together I think they would make a great team.

a good solider is one who has no weakness, love, mercy, compaction, all weaknesses, all distractions, they all must be illuminated.

The soldier has no heart, and knows no mercy, he takes lives and feels nothing, nothing but emptiness, and knows nothing but the next mission. 

The red room was created in order to make soldiers as perfect as possible, vicious, merciless, unstoppable weapons, corrupted from childhood. 

The solider helped train them when he was ordered to. They were all little girls, but none of them was a child and they were far from being innocent.

All the little girls were short and skinny, the solider looked like a giant next to them, but they weren't allowed to be afraid of him, they weren't allowed to be afraid of anything, but still you could see the fear in their eyes as they stood to fight against him, no matter how hard they tried to hide it. 

There was only one girl, who never knew fear, or so he believed. He could see the fear in all the others but not in her, she was small, but deadly, her hair was flaming red, her eyes were green and she skinny as if she wasn't fed in days, but she was strong and merciless, she beat all the others without breaking a sweat. 

The soldier grew fond of girl, he found that he actually enjoyed training with her. He was shocked by the amount of power that fits into such a tiny person every time he watched her train. 

As the years passed the girl grew older and became a young woman. She was the strongest, the smartest and the most dangerous of all the others, but she also showed the most resistance. 

One day the girl tried to escape, if anyone could it was her, no one could stop her, no one but him. He was sent after her, but he wasn't ordered to capture her he was ordered to kill her.   
The solider got a hold on the girl just a second before she managed to escape, he aimed his gun at her and pulled the trigger.

The bullet ripped through the girl's thigh and she fell on the ground. He took a few steps closer and stood right above her aiming his gun at her head, his finger was already on the trigger, but he didn't fire it. 

He looked her in the eyes and saw no fear. She looked back at him, lying on the round, bleeding, but still looking strong. 

"do it" she said loud and sure. 

"finish your mission" 

The gun was still aimed to her head, his finger was still on the trigger but he didn't fire.

A man came to stand beside him "you heard the girl" the man whispered in his ear causing him to cringe "finish your mission, solider" 

"no" 

The man beside him sighed angerly.

"why not?"

The solider was quiet for a second as he tried to figure out an answer.

"she's different" 

The girl smiled a little at his words but didn't show much feeling on her face other than that. he didn't bother to look at the man's expression, his eyes were focused on the girl.

"wipe him again" he heard the man's voice right before he felt himself being grabbed by both arms.

"and get her out of here" 

A few men came to the girl, grabbed her from each side and forced her to stand. 

"Natalia…" he called out to her. Her name was the only name he knew, he only needed to know the names of his victims, but she wasn't one of them, in the first time since he could remember he knew a name of someone he considered a friend, but he knew it won't last for long.

"don't forget me" she shouted to him before she was dragged out of the room and disappeared behind the close doors, the next thing he heard was the girl's scream, he knew she was screaming out of pain, he wanted to go after her, but before he could move, he was already tied up and the pain strike him once again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm sorry it took me so long to update, I'll be honest with you, i kinda don't really know where to keep going from here, I just don't really have inspartion. I'd really love it if you guys have an idea of a scene or a part that wasn't shown in the movies that you'd like me to explore a little farther. and also if you have a prompt in ganoural I'd love to hear some new ideas, because I just love writing so damn much but i kinda feel a little blocked latlely, and just could really use some inspartion. so just comment down below, and let me know what you thought.

**Author's Note:**

> thank you so much for reading this, please please please let me know what you thought and leave a kudos it would really mean the world to me. new chapters coming up tommorow! (hopefully... depends on work...) or two days!


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